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THE YEW TIMES - A Newspaper for Sosaria

YEW TIMES Editorial Office

18 October 2012, 14:30 EST

Written by members of the community

Issue 9

WORLD NEWS

SCHOOLBOY SLAIN BY PUMPKIN

Guards recovered the body of an elementary school boy from a local pumpkin field in Yew following an attack by dormant pumpkin entity which had been allegedly awakened by the young boy's summoning activities. Fellow students claimed that the youth was fixated with the entity for several past Halloweens where he repeatedly made a vigil with no manifestation of the entity in question. Regettably, the lad would finally get his wish. His screams were heard by his elementary school teacher who immediately called the guards, but they were unable to understand her due to her speech impediment. His schoolmates who were nearby claimed that they were unaware of the tragic incident, as they were gorging themselves on fruit pies and dancing like idiots. Standing around the body draped under his own security blanket, his classmates reflected how fortunate they were that they had ignored his many invitations for them to join him in the past, and perhaps that the entity will leave them in peace having feasted upon the soul of their friend.

TRICK 'R TREAT BAGS CHECKED FOR SAFETY

Mages in Moonglow are offering their services at the Lyceaum by checking treat bags with ID wands or make sure there is nothing harmful present. This service is offered free of charge, so that trick 'r treaters can enjoy a safe holiday season.

LOCAL WOMAN SAVES COMMUNITY FROM UNDEAD SCOURGE

They came without warning, lumbering through the darkness into the sylvan town of Yew, its inhabitants unaware of the invading undead force. Fortunately, one valiant woman met the menace head-on; armed with only a cudgel mercilessly bludgeoning the vile undead menace until they lost the will to fight. The defeated army fled into the darkness, and was not seen since. Our reporter marvelled at the feistiness of the grizzled senior and was further amazed to discover that she was in fact blind. When asked if her disability may have been an advantage to her in fighting the undead in the dakness of the moonless night, the rather surprised defender retorted "Undead?!! I thought they were just another group of those pesky trick-or-treaters!"

CAMPERS TERRORIZED BY APPARITION

Three campers reported that their campsite at Lock Lake was attacked by a ghostly pirate with a hook, forcing them to flee for their lives. This marks the sixth such event reported in the area in the past 3 weeks. Authorities have dismissed the incidents as hokum, malarkey, and complete poppycock.

FURNITURE WINS TOP PRIZES AT COSTUME CONTEST

A chair took first place for its imaginative ghost costume in a contest sponsored by the Britain Crafter's Society. A lamp shade and a mannequin partnered up and became "The life of the party" for second place. A rattan coffee table donned a pointed hat and took third for its "wicker witch" costume to the dismay of present non-furniture contestants.

ENTERPRISING DENTISTS MARKET CANDY TOOTHBRUSH

Trick R Treaters are going wild for the newest and hottest Holloween item, the SweetBrush. The colorful and sinfully sweet, oversized toothbrush is advertised as an incentive to get kids to brush their teeth after meals and snacks. The tasty confection not only comes in a variety of flavors, but also lasts over a whole month, so Halloweeners will be getting their money's worth. Denta-Treats is also debuting their product, Sucro-floss; the candied floss that gets between teeth where Sweetbrush can't reach.

TRAVELOGUE

SCHOLARS DISCOVER OLDER HALLOWEEN PRECIDENT

For years now, many of the inhabitants of this land have considered the celebration of Halloween to have been brought over by Lord British when he first came to this land from his native Earth. However, a recent discovery by scholars of Sosarian archives indicate that our ancestors have been observing this tradition long before the days of the first cataclysm. Back then it was referred to as Griefing Day, and has since evolved into the form that we practice today. The practices of the customs, however continue in several ways, though many have forgotten the original message. Before the virtues tempered the hearts of men, the people were a sick, barbarous lot; wantonly inflicting abuses upon each other, until it reached a point where progress was being hindered by these constant, malicious antics. It was decided that one day a year would be set aside for this behavior, and those who wished not to participate, would ensconce themselves inside their houses until the day had safely passed. Not to be deprived of victims, the mean-spirited would devise schemes such as setting fire to a burning sack of excrement which would be placed on the victim's doorstep as they knocked on the door then hid. Oft times, the prankster would be spotted snickering behind some cover, recognized and mercifully beaten on his own doorstep the following day; thus resulting in the innovation of the Griefing Day disguise. The Holiday Celebratory Council enacted several changes in the custom, including the prohibition of any use of arson to provoke the homeowner from leaving his home. Long gone are the days where one would witness resident and guest grappling with deadly intent at the threshold of a home. Nowadays, a trick or treater is content to receive a mild shanking at the doorway or have paint thrown into his or her face. The traditional holiday greeting evolved from flipping the bird to a more cheerful "trick or treat." The greeting itself became manditory following a series of incidents whereupon a number of hapless door to door encyclopedia salesmen were killed by uptight homeowners on the fated holiday in cases of mistaken identity. Today, the hostility of the occasion is greatly toned down, but there still lingers the residual ancient emnity between resident and holiday extortionist. Spouses have long done away with the custom of handing out poisoned bottles of wine to visitors and have contented themselves with doling out foul pitchers of milk that have been patiently curdling in the pantry since the beginning of the month, or distributing the specially formulated pain wrenching candy that sends a rictus of agony through one's skull when consumed. Gifts of miniature iron maidens and guillotines hearken back to the days when disgruntled victims would threaten pranksters with torture or decapitation. When these customs are viewed in the light of latest findings, it seems to lend proof to the old addage of the more that things change, the more they remain the same.

ADVERTISMENTS

BECAUSE ADULTS SHOULD HAVE FUN TOO

When Trick or Treaters come to your door, don't forget to pick up a something special for their mom and dad, or even their Uncle Joe. Because when adults take the kids out for an evening of fun, they need a little something to take the chill out of their bones. So, make sure to stock up on mini bottles of heartwarming cheer, to put that fire in their belly that'll keep them going the whole night. And nothing makes pumpkin carving with the kids more fun than matching shots and hacking a gourd with sharp knives. So, be a good neighbor give them a night that they probably won't remember, and keep mini-bottles in your treat bowl this Halloween.

CLASSIFIEDS

If anyone is in the market for human heads, come see me first! I have been particularly overzealous in preparing for the big head demand for the Halloween season, and now I am overstocked. I have some good quality stuff here, and talk about fresh! You won't find a fresher head unless you removed it yourself. I'm charging a one time only price of 20 gold pieces per head. How do I keep my prices so cheap? Because, I cut the head off the middle man, and pass the savings onto you. And what a selection! If you are interested in a high quality head, I'll be standing outside the gates of Umbra. Let me show you what I have to offer! Just walk up and say "Do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb?", and we'll discuss what I can do for you. Because, here at "Some guy with sack standing outside Umbra", we're heads and shoulders above the rest.

ARTS AND LIVING

HOLLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS

This week's Holloween costume idea comes from Cecil of Jhelom. You can dress up as famous impressionist artist, Vincent Van Gogh this Halloween. You will need: a fake beard, orange hair dye, a straw hat, an easel (to tote around). Entertain partygoers by offering to paint their portrait, or bring along some gift boxes with severed ears in them to give to potential love interests.

KIDS CORNER

Hey Kids! Nothing gets a person into the Halloween spirit better than a tradition Halloween arts and crafts project. This year we have something very special planned. We are going to make our own Hand of Glory. "What's that?" you ask. Well, back in the day, whenever a thief wanted to ransack a home, he just brought along one of these handy items(no pun intended) with him, and it would render the entire household helpless and unable to take any action. The hand itself acted like a candelabra, where each of the fingers would be lit prior to entering the home. It also had the added benefit of unlocking doors as well, which pretty much made door to door burgularly a breeze. To start our project, we are going to first need a hand; not just any old hand, but the left hand of a hanged thief. This is very important, because nothing can be more embarassing than being hacked to death by an angry and fully ambulatory homeowner. It might be a good idea to test the hand on a friend before employing it in actual use. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, how do I get my hands on the left hand of an executed thief?" That's easy as pie. You just need to speak with your local constable or prison official have them contact you should a thief be executed, and hint that you would be very interested in obtaining a left hand if one should become available. Public servants are usually eager to assist law-abiding citizens with these things; just don't go into any detail why you want the thing. And don't tell them that you want to use the thing for black magic, because you will end up being asked a lot of questions. Oh, and you may want to ask them if they wouldn't mind taking the body to a crossroads under a full moon before removing the left hand. This is a very important step. Once you have the detached hand in your possession, you will marinade it in a burial shroud soaked a mixture of natron salts and mandrake until mummified. It's that easy! Now you are ready to make a killing on Halloween candy or any other valuables that strikes your fancy. Happy Halloween! This month, the Yew Times will be interviewing local witch, Grizelda and hear her views on the new edict concerning the Halloween period extension. Our reporter has made his way over to a rather run down residence past several odd signs stating "Gingerbread house ahead."

TY: Excuse me maam, I am with the Yew Times and I was hoping to get a word with you regarding the recently changes in the Halloween schedule.

G: Well, I'm rather BUSY at the moment..

YT: It won't take but a few moments.

G: Well, come in already. As I said, I have a lot of preparations to make.

YT: You mean, regarding the change in the holiday schedule?

G: Yes. Now that everything is starting almost a whole month earlier and running until the end of the month, I have less time to get ready, since everyone will probably be tired of the whole thing in 2 weeks.

YT: I noticed the signs for the gingerbread house along the path leading here, were you planning to magically transform this house into gingerbread somehow?

G: Signs? I have no idea what you're talking about. I bet it's some kind of prank. You know how some of these kids are. Just a bunch of rascals.

YT: I see you have a bunch of apples over here, probably ready for the trick or treat bags.

G: Actually, those are for the apple bobbing game over here.

YT: But, that's a cauldron.

G: I'm trying to go with the theme, you see.

YT: That is a mighty large oven you have. It looks brand new.

G: I just had it installed. That is for.. um.. all the baking I have planned. Cookies, cakes and all that. I sure am going to be BUSY!

YT: Are all those wooden cages in the corner, part of the Halloween festivities?

G: Let's see... That is for..TRAPPING THE IMPS AND TROUBLESOME GOBLINS! That's it! You don't want them showing up and ruining a good time. Let me tell ya!

YT: And that's quite a lot of boxes of instant stuffing you have set out here on the counter. Stove Top stuffing..."for CHILDREN?!"

G: I'm sure that's a typo. It's supposed to be "for chicken"

YT: and what about these decorative roast frills? They look big enough to put on the drumsticks of a roast ostrich.

G: Well, look at the time. Well, it was nice having you stop by for a visit. And mind the trap door on your way out. Very BUSY here!

YT: Well, thank you for your time.

YT: And there you have it. Witches working overtime getting ready for the new schedule. Surely, many witches will be similarly affected, but we're certain that it will not disrupt celebrations overall.

ADVICE:

Confused, distraught or just looking for direction? Let Esmerelda, gypsy oracle and diviner of truths peer into the infinite and find the answers you are looking for.

Dear Esmerelda Gladys Abernathy is a shameless gossip. Now that she knows about my little indiscretion, I suppose that I will just have to face the music once the dirt is out. Do you think the spirits might find it in their hearts to propel that hag down a flight of steps?

My child, the spirits have heard your plea and they are willing to intercede on your behalf. No, they have changed their minds again..... The spirits are fickle. So, Esmerelda will provide her own solution. You must at the setting of the sun, venture to the plains of the dead and collect the spores of the potent and hallucinatory weeping maiden mushroom. Then acquire the petals of a midnight orchid, the sap of a spiderwood tree, and a vial of wormwood. Slowly grind these items in a mortar then stir with the tail of a speckled scorpion until a heady intoxicating vapor results. Add to a large pitcher of gin and add ice. Drink deeply until problem is no longer an issue.

Dear Esmerelda I used to look forward to the Halloween season, but the vandalism caused by certain inconsiderate individuals has decreased my enthusiasm considerably. Is there a remedy for this sort of anti-social behavior?

Daughter of sorrows, I can read your thoughts like book. You must remember, revenge has a price; 5000 gold pieces this week including service charge. A gypsy of some talent could cast a curse on someone who has caused you pain. This would be a simple enough matter, Trust me, they would very likely suffer greatly! Either way, no refunds. For little extra coin, it could even be something perfect for the coming holiday! You know you want too. If you are on a budget, you can always put burning bag of dog poopie on enemy's doorstep. Yes, it is immature but very satisfying.

HOROSCOPES

The Peddler-January

Be cautious when dealing with reverse vampires this week. Reverse vampires are invisible but can only be seen in mirrors. However, they like to look at themselves in mirrors, crave garlic, wear crosses and have exaggerated tans. So, they are almost like guidos, but invisible.

The Mongbat-February

If you sit in the darkness in front of a mirror and say "Bloody Mary" three times, a spectral bartender will serve you a vodka and tomato juice drink complete with a celery garnish. This offer is good only for the month of October.

The Phoenix-March

You will be enjoying an outing with that special someone camping and enjoying some fishing. The sun will begin to set and the fog will roll in as you continue to fish. You'll open the Yew Times and read an article to your partner about the ghost of some pirate with a hook for a hand who has been recently terrorizing outdoorsmen at the very lake at which you are currently fishing. Your date will plaintively suggest that you quickly return back to shore and go home. You agree. But it is not until you get the boat onto shore that you see hanging from the very edge of the boat.....A HOOK!

The Sea Dragon-April

Take special precautions when partying this month by becoming a member of Kindeys on Kall. So, when you are drugged by a stranger and wake up in a tub of ice with your kidneys missing, you can breathe easier knowing that a new set of kidneys are right on the way in under 15 minutes.

The Hermit-May

Should you be stalked by talking crows that cry out "Nevermore" in your home, just remember that those babies are worth 50k turn in points a piece when you dump them in the trash barrel.

The Llama-June

No one likes going to funerals. But, just remember, if you don't go to their funerals, they won't come to yours.

The Ancient Wyrm-July

You will finally meet your evil twin this week, who will look exactly like you except for a goatee. However, if you are evil, you will meet your good twin, who will have no goatee whatsoever. In which case, you should consider growing a goatee or wear a fake one in preparation for your first encounter.

The Anvil-August

The old man told you not to go out to Wooly Swamp but you just didn't listen. The provisioner in that small store told you that if you go out there, you had better make sure that your lantern was full, but you just didn't listen. When that creepy old lady with the claws for fingers told you not to go into the basement of that delapidated house in the swamp alone, you didn't listen. Now you are locked in a pitch black basement with a burned out lantern and you can hear things moving around in the dark. So, what are you going to do now, smartass?

The Weaver-September

Beef bullion cubes are great for dropping into the bags of Trick or Treaters. Not only do they look like individually wrapped foil treats, but they look convincingly like chocolate up until the moment they pop them into their mouths. Mmmmmm, salty goodness!

The Wisp-October

Things will be looking up, as you'll soon have the opportunity to get your hands on some nice little asset that no one else knows about. It could be an map to an old silver mine, or some hidden treasure in an abandoned house. To be on the safe side, it might be a good idea if you come up with a plan to keep the competition scared off; perhaps with a pirate costume, rubber mask, luminescent paint, and clever props. Just watch out for meddling kids and their stupid dog.

The Unicorn-November

Fishermen, sailors, or just any guy with a boat is a good friend to have when you need to get rid of a body. That's something nice to have to fall back on when you're really in a pinch, so why not befriend a boat owner today.

The Wanderer-December

You will be drinking in a tavern soon and you will see death staring at you across the room, and you will hastily depart and ride a great distance to escape him. Finally, thirsty and exhausted you will stumble into some distant backwater tavern for water, and there death will be standing. Death will look at you and be like, WTF dude, why are you stalking me?!

IN MEMORY

Below is something we have written in an honor of a passing of one of our friends of this time last year. We would like to share with you on what was published on Atlantic server and not change the words that we had came up with last year. We still think of you, Wolfthistle...

August 9, 1981 - October 25, 2011

""I wanted to dedicate this issue of the Yew Times to one of our close friends, Wolfthistle, who recently returned to Britannia with his lovely wife, Ferocia. Wolf was a old member of the alliance from days gone by, whom I had just recently met. I recall him as being extremely courteous and generous to a fault, and would go the distance to help people out. We all had been preparing for the upcoming Octoberfest even in Yew, and Wolf, like many of us was very excited getting things together. Everyone was just happy to have their old comrade around again, and they spent a good deal of time showing him all the new things that came about while he was absent. Wolfthistle had just purchased a piece of real estate from an Alliance member and was very immersed in its decoration. He had invited some decor savvy friends over to help, and had tried to turn a non-rotatable item with the decorator tool, which had obviously opened a rift to the spirit world. Chests began rotating of their own accord, and those present thought we'd have the first bona fide haunted house in Britannia. All that was absent was a voice crying "Get out!" It was just 2 days before the event. Food preparation and game planning was in full swing, and Wolf was helping a guildmate with her costume idea. I remember Wolf mentioning that he was experiencing chest pains from climbing the stairs. The following day, I greeted the group and everyone was quiet. I asked what was up, and Southern Devil told me that they were having a moment of silence. I asked for what. Southern then told me that Wolf had died the previous night. I was dumbstruck, and many of us were so disheartened, that we were considering either calling off or pushing back the event. If we moved it back any further though, we'd have to call it Novemberfest. In addition, Wolfthistle himself had been looking forward to the event and had help to make it possible. And if we knew Wolf, he wouldn't have wanted us to cancel the celebration. In the upcoming days, when the time is right, we plan to have a memorial in his honor. We will miss you, Wolfthistle.""

References

The Yew Times - A Newspaper for Sosaria - Issue 9